“Nobody tells you that running a business means confronting your relationship with control. With rest. With being misunderstood. With doing the brave thing and hearing nothing back. With wanting more and feeling guilty for it. With slowing down when everything in you says push harder. With trusting yourself when the evidence hasn’t arrived yet. It’s a lot.” — Nikki Hyde’s (@nikki.heyder)
I came across this graphic post while scrolling yesterday, shared it to my instagram story, and found myself rereading it at least 5 times because of how deeply it resonated with me. (Because who doesn’t rewatch their own instagram story?)
The way that running a business is one of the truest forms of shadow work really blows my mind. I’ve been a single person for a large majority of the time I’ve run my business and while I’ve got awesome staff on my team, I’ve primarily led it and the business alone, as I do most things in life. While I realize how this sounds, I’ve never really been a person with a really strong community in my inner circle who will show up no matter what, every time. This isn’t to discount my wonderful friends and people who have shown up for me, but more to say that I’ve had to learn how to depend on myself mentally, physically and emotionally time and time again and the toll it can really take. No one talks about the resounding loneliness you’ll feel in your entrepreneurial journey, the things you’ll have to face alone… and let me tell you, had it not been for my therapist of 5 years, I would be in a vastly different place today. While it has it’s high highs, the rollercoaster also has it’s lowest lows, and sometimes loops that take you all the way upside down; it can really be a dark, twisty path at times.
It forces you to dive deeper within yourself than anything I’ve ever experience before. Everything about you will be questioned, and you’ll have to answer for yourself whether you know the answer or not. Nobody will be there to save you because your name is on the legal documentation, you signed up for this, and your name is written all over it; literally.
As I write this post, I’m on day 12 of a 14-day work trip and nobody tells you that going for the big hard things in business and traveling requires as much sacrifice as it does. The ‘alone-ness’ really hit me last night — I’m 3 days into a 4-day long tradeshow and we’ve not even made our booth fee back yet (update: we got a great sale just after this that put us into a profitable place! Manifesting much?), let alone all of the travel. I’ve sacrificed two entire weeks of my safety and belonging and community to try this big new thing, and it’s not proving to pay off, or even break even. This isn’t to collect sympathy but to really state some of the hard truths that the outside world looking in doesn’t tell you.
Granted, I arrived as early as I did because I wanted to attend a Create & Cultivate event (which was an incredible start to my trip) and I’m so glad that I did because it was what made this trip really feel worth it! But as I sit here now on my 12th day of this trip and second tradeshow in a row where I’ll actually lose money, aside from the aforementioned sacrifices, it’s taken a toll on my mental health because it makes me question myself, like what the hell am I even doing?
Some days my job looks like leading a team of 15, or it’s my sweeping up 100 huge dead bugs in front of the store, it’s having really hard conversations with people you care about, it’s working the 10-hour retail store shifts during the holidays because everyone requested it off, it’s hearing rejection after rejection, it’s also coordinating $30,000 purchase orders from your dream big box store, and sometimes it’s sitting in a 10x10 booth you paid thousands of dollars and travelled half way across the country for and work 10-hour days 4 days in a row only to technically lose money and question your entire life.
Experiences like this are really challenging moments that force me to look inwards as a business owner & human and ask myself these hard questions as I sit and steep in the uncomfortability and uncertainty…
My biggest goal this year in business was to really expand our wholesale, build up systems that would work in longevity, and cultivate relationships with potential + existing retailers who have purchased from my brand. I knew going into these shows that they would test my resiliency and capabilities, but one thing I know about business is that if you don’t take the risks, you will not reap the rewards. So this is me, jumping off the cliff and reaching for my parachute, knowing I don’t have one, and not being able to see the ground. Everyone tells you to jump; nobody tells you that you have to hope to get lucky enough to land on your feet.